Why most New Year resolutions don't work, and how to change that.
Part one of a two-part piece on what drives effective goal setting...
Happy New Year—hope 2025 proves an awesome year for all of us!
And in the spirit of awesomeness, many of us are beginning a new regimen that we’ve pledged ourselves to either privately, with a confidant or even perhaps quite publicly on social media. No matter which avenue you’ve chosen, you have, in good faith, begun a journey of new and likely positive behaviour in the hopes of instilling that behaviour as a permanent habit in your daily life. Good on you, and good luck—I hope it takes you where you want.
However, as you may be discovering, change is hard. Creating permanent new habits is even harder. That’s why so many of these well-intentioned commitments will lose steam at some point in the next few days, weeks, and months, resulting in disappointment and even emotional self-flagellation. And the craziest part of this yearly ritual? Mostly, the same willing participants keep showing up year after year, believing wholeheartedly that this time … this time, things will be different, only to realize shortly after they’re not. The exact same human-born mechanisms that disrupted the previous year's resolution kick into action to undo all the good that got it rolling.
Why does this happen? Why do we keep returning in January, doing the same thing every time while expecting a different outcome? Forget that Einstein refers to this behaviour as insanity; let’s first consider the number one contributing factor—research that points out most people choose resolutions they didn’t come up with on their own. Yup, most areas of focus are determined by the opinions of others—namely, our friends, family, or co-workers. Surveys tell us that we tend to choose goals that we think others will approve of, deeming them worthwhile—deeming us worthwhile!
Because many people see losing weight, exercising, saving money, or quitting an unhealthy habit as positive, and we align with those goals by association. Regardless of whether or not the goals are relevant to us, we choose them because we seek the approval of others.
Now, is changing our diet and exercise regimens a bad idea? Is becoming more financially savvy something we shouldn't concern ourselves with? How about drinking or smoking—is that something unworthy of our attention? Obviously not. Any and all of the above goals can be worth looking at and determining a strategy to encourage a positive direction.
However, where we run into trouble is when our goals can end up feeling inauthentic. Like following through on a commitment not because you want to but because you think you have to. Wanting to and having to draw on two different sources of fuel or motivation—one is inadequate and short-lived, while the other is powerful and sustainable.
One way we invite clients to find the latter and/or determine if a goal is worthy of their time and attention is to ask one simple question. “Why is this goal important to me?” And then respond to the answer with, “Ya, but why?” until you hit the nerve that renders the goal important on an emotional level. And, if you don’t hit that nerve, maybe that’s the sign to move on to another goal.
For example, let’s start with a common one: eating healthier and starting to exercise.
Great. Let’s try this… “Why is this goal important to me?”
Because I want my clothes to fit more comfortably. “Ya, but why?”
Because I want to lose a few pounds—you know, look good for our upcoming vacation. “Ya, but why?”
Because I don’t like how I look when I see myself in the mirror—it upsets me. “Ya, but why?”
Because I know, I’ll feel embarrassed when I go to the beach. “Ya, but why?”
It makes me feel shitty when I see myself and think how I used to be. “Ya, but why?”
Because I’m better than this, I’m capable of more—I know I am. “Ya, but why?”
Because I’ve accomplished impressive things in my life, I know I could have similar success with my health if I just tried—I’m curious to see how fit and healthy I could be. “Ya, but why?”
Because it’s a challenge I’m open to—I’m curious. And I know I could really go after this—hell, it might even be fun!
Now, with this deeper understanding, if the individual pursues the challenge of finding out how fit and healthy they can be, they increase the chances of this becoming a new lifestyle habit instead of simply a repeating cycle of weight gain and loss according to their vacation plans. And, of course, paradoxically, they also improve the chances of permanently achieving all the original, more surface reasons for setting the goal. They will definitely look different or better, as it were.
This was the most significant penny-drop moment for me as a rowing coach. When I first began coaching, my answer or reason for coaching was to win—or, more specifically, not lose. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. When it did work, the satisfaction was brief. When it didn’t—when my crews lost, I was pissed off for longer than I’m comfortable admitting.
When I shifted my “Ya, but why?” to, Because I know what rowing taught me—the good stuff and the not-so-good stuff—it changed my life for the better. I want to do that for the athletes I work with—transform their lives.
With that new answer, I began winning more races … go figure! It turns out that what’s required to transform the lives of young athletes is also what builds fast crews. That’s the power of having a really good reason or why. That reason will be the fuel of what drives your goal. If it’s deep and meaningful, that will prove the more powerful and sustainable fuel outlasting the quick return kind of surface fuel you may have begun with.
Basically, I’m inviting you, like I did, to move from an egoic reason to a more soulful one—extrinsic versus intrinsic.
In my pursuit of transforming the lives of the athletes I was working with, I was ticking all of the boxes for what built high-performing winning crews. The results, therefore, made sense to me. When we won races, it wasn’t because we were focused on winning. No, instead, it was because we were attending to all of the important components of what winning crews looked like, how and why they showed up, all of it—our fuel was pure and powerful. It’s why we invite clients to make their reason bigger than the outcome they’re seeking.
Back to the example. If the reason is to accept the challenge of discovering just how fit and healthy one could become for no other reason than they’re curious, that’s a powerful reason that could drive the goal—that’s the fuel. It becomes a pursuit that feeds your soul, not just your ego. So we’ve moved from looking good in a bathing suit to the intrigue of what’s physically possible. Again, intrinsic versus extrinsic. While feeding your curiosity, one would achieve the other vacation goal—looking good at the beach.
If you’ve got a goal you’re currently engaged in, maybe take a moment and run it through the question I laid out—“Why is this goal important to me?” And then follow it up with “Ya, but why?” And see what shows up.
If you don’t have a resolution for 2025, think of something you would genuinely like to improve or change and give it a try. Run your resolution or goal through those questions; I guarantee you may tap into a more meaningful opportunity to bring about permanent change in your life.
If you have any questions, please reach out—I’d love to help.
Oh, and have fun with this—remember, it’s not supposed to be ominous or onerous! ;)
So here we are—a SubStack that began three years ago to celebrate a beautiful golden retriever is still, well, here! Believe me, it was never the intention. However, there are absolutely no regrets. Writing “Thoughts from a guy and his dog” has proven an interesting and meaningful endeavour. If you’ve been a part of this journey, paid or otherwise, thank you. It means a lot that you’re interested in what I have to share.
For this upcoming year, I will continue to produce weekly content that hopefully invites a range of responses. However, I also want to do something different to acknowledge the Paid Subscribers who support me. I’m going to add a coaching piece to these weekly SubStacks that provides a quick thought, tip, reminder, question, or even challenge regarding optimal performance. I'll also include some resource recommendations if you’re interested in finding out more—they’ll be quick, informative reads!
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