Perfectionism Isn’t High Standards—It’s Fear in a Tuxedo.
When that penny finally dropped for me, I was better equipped to name my moments of perfectionism and lean on strategies that moved projects forward.
Whoooweee! Sometimes my topic of choice seems more like a looming journal entry demanding my attention—stuff that needs sorting out. So I exercise those topics here on this platform—lucky you! I mean, what did that Richard Bach guy have to say, “You teach best what you most need to learn.” Holy crap, ain’t that the truth!
And I won’t lie, this new book that I’m writing has tested me in ways I’ve not experienced in a very long time. “But Jase, you’ve already written three books—what’s the big deal?”
Well, first of all, shut the hell up—that question’s not helping! ;) And, secondly, I’m human, and I keep trying to remind myself of that. Because, for whatever reason, this book keeps inviting my tendency to strive for perfection in a way I’ve never experienced before while writing.
With the previous books, it was all about telling stories—stories that I knew well, and lucky for me, that seems to come easy or at least, easier. But not this one; with Love First, the story parts, anyhow, are relatively straightforward; however, the instruction or coaching bits require a writing style that’s not as intuitive for me.
Even though I keep reminding myself that I’m writing this book to my younger twenty-five-year-old self, the pushback to make it perfect keeps hijacking my process. Because when I think about other people reading it, I ask the obvious question, “Ya, but, Jase, most people, thank goodness, are not like that young guy. Everyone else who reads this needs to ‘get it,’ too!”
How does that play out? Probably like it does for most people when distraction and procrastination come calling, because, let’s face it, they’re a team when it comes to party crashing, always travelling together.
Here’s a good example: I remember when I was still in school and living in Vancouver with roommates. It was springtime, and papers were due, exams were upon us, and the house was generally quiet as we all tried to focus in and get stuff done.
One day, I walked down the hall to see if one of my roommates wanted to take a break. I gently knocked on his door while at the same time slowly pushing it open. What I found still makes us laugh today when one of us brings it up—usually me! He had cleared his entire desktop and was now applying lemon oil. Because, of course, shining the top of that beautiful old oak desk was most certainly going to help him retain his notes more thoroughly and be better prepared for his exams!
I love that story—of course, I do; it makes me laugh and provides a shining example of what happens when fear shows up. Therefore, I almost always share it during our workshop. Why? Because we’ve all been there—hearing that story is profoundly humanizing. Hmmm, so it’s not just me, is the quiet inner voice response from the room.
Those moments when fear runs rampant can become so overwhelming that we temporarily pack it in and look for something less threatening—like lemon oiling our furniture! And, hey, I’ve been doing the same thing lately—sans the lemon oil. But this week, I discovered some hacks listed below, and they’ve all helped.
So, next time Mr. or Mrs. Perfectionism shows up, try these on for size…
FIVE HACKS TO HELP YOU MANAGE YOUR OWN MOMENTS OF DEBILITATING PERFECTIONISM, REGAIN CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS, AND KEEP MOVING:
1) Call a spade a f@ckin’ shovel!
When perfectionism shows up, call it what it is: fear dressed up as discipline. Lose the bravado and ask, “What am I actually afraid of here—judgment, rejection, criticism, looking average, or losing control?” Once you’ve named the fear, it absolutely loses some of its power, enabling you to take the next steps.
2) Take a deep breath—lower the goal, but not the care.
Perfectionists often think the only options are excellence or crap—that’s simply not true. Try a B+ attempt: a draft, workout, conversation, email, or decision done with sincerity, clarity, and completion—but without obsessive overworking and thinking. “Done and useful” beats “perfect and delayed” every day—celebrate the progress!
3) Establish the finish line before you begin.
Perfectionism thrives in open-ended tasks—so, don’t allow them. Decide in advance: “I’ll spend 45 minutes on this,” or “I get two edits done, not twelve!” Boundaries protect energy, create urgency, and stop image management from hijacking the process. Come on, admit it—you’ve written a story that reads less than your ideal, is for others whom you refer to as slackers, with a generous serving of judgment. How’z that workin’ for ya?
4) Practice visible imperfection.
Once a day, let something be seen before it feels flawless: as a friend once told me, create with the barn doors open! Post the thought as is, send the email, ask the question, share the rough draft, try the new thing. Tiny exposures teach your nervous system that imperfect action is survivable. Like anything, it takes practice—giddy-up!
5) Measure courage, not just outcome.
At day’s end, don’t just ask, “How did I do?” Ask, “Did I notice the fear in me, and when I did, how hard did I laugh?” ;) Perfectionism keeps score with outcome. Growth keeps score with process. Reward the act of showing up, digging in, and getting on with it—especially when you’re not yet receiving the accolades!
“Perfectionism is not about being our best selves; it’s a defence mechanism.”
—Brené Brown
RESOURCES:
Three books to check out: click on Book Title for more details/purchase.
1) The Gifts of Imperfection—Brené Brown
Brown explicitly distinguishes perfectionism from healthy ambition and ties it to shame, judgment, and self-protection.
2. The Perfection Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough—Thomas Curran
Helpful if you want a sharper research-backed lens on how modern culture fuels perfectionism, burnout, and chronic pressure.
3. How to Be Enough—Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
A very practical, compassionate choice for readers who are hard on themselves but still want to keep their edge and ambition.
Three podcasts to check out: click on the Titles to watch/listen.
1) Brené Brown — “Part 1 of 6: The Summer Sister Series on The Gifts of Imperfection.”
Especially useful because she says perfectionism is not a healthy sense of ambition; instead, it is a defence mechanism.
2. 10% Happier with Dan Harris — “The Science of Overcoming Perfectionism | Thomas Curran.”
A good listen for readers who want research plus practical application.
3. The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos — “How to Fight Perfectionism.”
A strong, accessible episode focused on reducing self-defeating standards while improving performance and enjoyment.
I hope these Performance Minded tips and other resources are helpful. If you have any topic suggestions or questions, please don't hesitate to contact me. Cheers!
If you’re looking for support in rewriting your story around perfectionism, we can provide tools and insights that will greatly assist you moving forward, helping you feel more in control of your thoughts and actions; ready to take on your world! Reach out; we’d be happy to chat.
